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Home > Archive > May 1, 2008

Breaking Patterns of Disrespect
By Geoff Steurer, MS, LMFT
Question:
My husband and I have been married for 12 years. Most of our marriage has been unpleasant, but we are working on it. The issue that really hurts me most is his lack of respect toward me. I've told him many times that he is very disrespectful toward me, but he doesn't seem to understand. How can I talk to him productively about this and help him to see just how hurtful it truly is?
Answer:
I’m glad that you are still willing to bring up your concerns about your husband’s disrespect toward you. Most of the time when we don’t feel heard and start to believe that nothing will get better, we “stuff” our feelings and develop resentment and contempt toward the one who isn’t hearing us.
Since you want to know what you can do to help him respond to you better, I’ll share some thoughts on how to most effectively get your point across.
If I was sitting down to talk with you about your concerns, I would ask you what you’ve already tried. Perhaps you’ve given him “the look” or made some follow-up comment after he’s disrespected you. Maybe you’ve given him the “silent treatment” for hours or days following a disrespectful comment. You may have accused him in the moment or even pulled him aside in private to tell him what he’s doing and how it’s hurting you.
Whatever the case may be, he’s obviously not getting the message. Here are some thoughts on how to modify what you may already be doing to break through to him:
1. Prepare for the discussion in advance by letting him know that you want to talk with him about a marital concern that is causing you great stress and anxiety. You don’t want this to be a surprise discussion. Tell him that you need his undivided attention and get a commitment from him that he’ll be available to listen.
2. Plan for success by picking a time and place where you can both feel relaxed and have enough time to talk about your concerns. Make sure you don’t need to be somewhere so you don’t feel rushed. It also helps to be fed and rested so you can both feel stable and fully present for the discussion. You want to eliminate any potential distractions.
3. You’ll want to begin with what Dr. John Gottman calls a “soft start-up.” This means addressing your concern calmly and respectfully. A soft start-up means you avoid using character attacks and exaggerations that often surface when we’re stressed and resentful. For example, asking him “what’s wrong with you” or telling him that he “always” disrespects you, are only going to make him more defensive.
4. Give concrete examples of what he’s said to you that was disrespectful. Speak honestly, clearly and respectfully about why these comments are hurtful to you. Wait for him to respond.
5. Consider sharing what you think he might be trying to say to you when he’s being disrespectful. Sometimes our frame of reference from our upbringings or differences in personalities makes it difficult to see that how we say things could be hurtful to others.
6. Don’t be alarmed if he becomes defensive. Stick to your explanation of how this feels for you and avoid the tendency to make excuses for your feelings. His job is to take you seriously and hear what you’re saying.
You can prepare for a few possible results:
Things might go really well. He may show a willingness to see your point and be committed to treating you more respectfully. If this is the case, let him know how much you appreciate his willingness to hear you. Also, be sure to give him space to make changes. When you notice changes, tell him what you’ve noticed and what it means to you.
He might seem indifferent. Most men need to “save face” and often take time to process what they’re going to do about a situation. You might wait some time after this discussion to see if things improve. If they do, again, make sure to give him feedback by telling him that you noticed the changes and let him know how much you appreciate his willingness to hear you.
He might refuse to take you seriously by ignoring your concern or by cutting you off. If this happens, you can still move forward and get help for yourself which could potentially benefit your marriage. Moving forward doesn’t mean you’re going to be aggressive and demanding. Instead, you’re making a choice to take more formal steps to get help.
For example, you could pick up a copy of Dr. Steven Stosny’s book, “Love Without Hurt”  and learn how to reduce your own feelings of resentment in your troubled marriage. He teaches that anger and resentment are internal alarm systems that should motivate us to do something to improve our situation. His direct and compassionate insights on reducing resentment are innovative and helpful.
You could seek professional help from a marriage therapist or talking to an ecclesiastical leader. You mentioned that your marriage has been unpleasant for many years. If there are persistent patterns of disrespect, disconnection, and failed communication, seeking professional counseling can help you break the gridlock.
 Again, if your husband refuses to get help with you, I recommend you step forward and seek help alone. Either way, you will benefit from the added support and direction.
Keep working to save your marriage. Despite the years of frustration and disconnection, I am convinced that the two of you working together can improve your relationship. Hopefully he takes your concerns seriously and joins you on your quest for a healthy marriage.
If you would like your relationship question answered (anonymously) in this column, please e-mail your question to therapist@dixieweekly.com. Steurer also keeps an archive of his previous articles on his Web site, www.lovingmarriage.com.

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