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Home > Archive > Jul 12, 2007

KEEPING IT TOGETHER
By Geoff Steurer
Question:
My husband and I are going through a divorce and my children aren’t handling it well. I have a 5 year-old, a 13 year-old, and a 15 year-old and they all seem to be handling the stress differently. What can you suggest?
Answer:
First of all, I’m sorry to hear that the only option for your marriage is to go through with divorce. I’m sure that this is extremely stressful for the two of you and your children. Here are some thoughts on what you can do to help your children during this difficult time.
Even though your children are all different ages and have different levels of understanding about what divorce means for them and their family, please don’t forget that the breaking up of a family creates profound feelings of helplessness for both the children and the adults. Although your older children don’t appear to have serious behavioral problems, this situation is still affecting them and your sensitivities should be turned to them as well.
The most important consideration for your children is to make sure that they can maintain as much consistency with their schedules and relationships with both parents. It’s common for the routine to change dramatically in the early stages of divorce. Appointments with counselors, lawyers, family members, and even making new work arrangements can place strain on the already overwhelmed schedules most families juggle.
Make sure that you keep their bedtimes, mealtimes, play times, and family times consistent. Work hard to not make exceptions, as these are the things that they can count on during these uncertain times. If they have visits with their dad, make sure that this is kept as consistent and predictable as possible.
Additionally, divorce is emotionally consuming for adults and makes it difficult for them to tend to the subtle emotional needs of their children. Work to carve out space for your children during this time.
Specifically, you might consider scheduling a standing appointment with each of your children at home where the others know that you’re not to be disturbed. You could use the time to read, talk, make food, or something that might interest your child. If you’re separated from your husband, encourage him to do the same with your children.
Your children will need to know that it’s safe for them to talk about their confused feelings. Their primary need isn’t to understand all the complicated reasons you chose to divorce. Instead, they need to know that their sadness and anger are understandable and acceptable.
As Haim Ginott stated, we should be permissive with emotions and strict with behavior.  Allowing your children’s behavior to be out of bounds isn’t in anyone’s best interest. However, their emotions will change moment to moment, which is acceptable. Your validation of their pain will go a long way toward their healing.
Please don’t forget to immerse your children in joy. They need regular experiences with people and situations that bring them comfort and happiness. Oftentimes, these types of things get pushed to the back of the line while more “urgent” tasks are accomplished.
It’s my belief that filling your children with security and joy is the most urgent task during a divorce. You don’t need to make up new and exciting activities or spend tons of money. Perhaps your children like to take walks, play board games, spend time with extended family, or watch movies as a family. Continue doing these things to protect your children from the stress of the divorce.
It goes without saying that your children should be shielded from the conflict with your husband. If you both demonstrate self-control as you work out schedules and expectations, it will do wonders for the emotional health of your children. Your children didn’t cause the divorce and shouldn’t be exposed to the details of your issues.
You may feel like you’re being pulled from every direction as you move through your divorce. My intention isn’t to induce more guilt, but to give you permission to act on those essential areas that will help you notice and tend to the emotional needs of your children.

If you would like your relationship question answered (anonymously) in this column, please e-mail your question to therapist@dixieweekly.com. Steurer also keeps an archive of his previous articles on his Web site, www.lovingmarriage.com.

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